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Letters to You

When I love, I love with my whole heart. And in some way, I think that has overwhelmingly become my true hamartia. And it is slowly but surely leading to the downfall of my character. It's an every-waking-moment, "pride-swallowing seige that I will never fully tell you about" and it is obliterating my heart.

And I've been needing to tell you, but there just arent words. And I had been needing to hear from you, but that last time just fucking hurt. And she was nice. I knew she would be. How did I get here? I dont know how I'll ever be a fucking normal person...



"Am I not supposed to have I want? What I need?" --Spiderman



"I'd like to run away, I'd like to say a few things to you, about the way I feel inside..." --Letter Kills

Feb. 28th, 2007

Just fuck it, guys. Fuck.It.All. </3 </3

Feb. 22nd, 2007

Where are you, God? I dont think that I have ever been this lost in my life and I think that a part of my problem is that you are not here... Or I am not listening... And maybe you are not here BECAUSE I am not listening... I wish I knew how. But I dont. And every day is harder than the last, and every day I feel as if I cannot breathe. It's like, there is nothing in me left to fight... And I am up against everything. I am discovering that there is more wrong with me than I have ever understood. How can I possibly fix that? And what if I really kno nothing about the problems that I have created for myself, about the problems that I have made that will carry themselves into my future?

I just need help. In some way, I need help. Because life really has me on my knees, right now.
This morning, I woke up with the only dream that could be real to me, as of late... I want to be a writer. I want to write, I want to inspire people. I want people to read those words that were written in all heart and experience and feel it... inspiration, hope, life, love, everything that matters... That is the only thing that I want [to do with my life] Today. That is all I want for Tomorrow. And for the rest of this life that I see ahead of me, my dream is to Write. And it may not happen, it may never be fullfilled... And perhaps my writing will never reach the shelves... But it will exist. And I will never stop. And all I want is to touch someone with it. That is all.

And maybe, someday, pages in a bookstore will bare my words, right in front of you...

This is it.

I'm taking a break from LJ for a while. Because I am tired of writing depressing shit. But right now, that is all that I kno how to write, because that is all that my heart is and can manage. So. See you around..

Zero.

Lets think about this...

Best Friends

~Brandon__I drove him away. We are no longer a part of eachother's lives.
~Britt__She is gone. In more ways than one. And I miss how our friendship used to be, but it will never be the same.
~Meagan__She is moving. Far away. I'm not going with her. And that's that.

College

I'm dropping out. I cant do this.

Life

I'd rather run away than live the one I have made for myself. And I'd say "I suck at life, but I'm wicked cool." but I'm not. So.

And here we have it.

Best Friends-- Zero.
College--Zero.
Life-- Zero.
Awesome? -- Negative 23.

I hate this.
I hate.

It's only a memory now...

A good friend of mine just wrote something that made me cry, she wrote of a memory that used to be the six of us, two years ago in the corner of a library... She wrote of how she found hope and the bond that we shared and how we have all gone our own ways... None have been good for us, individually. And all has torn us apart--who we were together. Because she moved and shut us out. Because she is only a shadow now. Because she is confused. Because he died. Because she cant seem to heal. And because I cant seem to escape the bad in myself. The six of us. And we'll never find eachother all together again... And I remeber how we said that when she moved, we'd all go visit her. Together. We never did. She was, somehow, what kept us all together. But she left. And then they broke up. ...And then he died. And there was only pain. And now, we find ourselves all lost in our own ways... But that's life, isnt it. Isnt it.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm anti-social. I'm one of those people who would rather keep my headphones on and vibe to music than talk to the strangers in a classroom. I always sit in the desk in the far right back corner of the room, where I can see everyone, but I talk to no one. Why is that? Am I just one of those people who have an innate need to observe and analyze others--as well as myself? And is it because I distance myself from others that I feel as if I dont belong in college? Is it just me? Is it? Maybe. Probably. Almost definately. There it is again, the common theme as of late, me just getting in my own way. But how can I change to become a person I might never be comfortable with? Even if it were better... I just...I remain at a loss, here. Someday, I will have found myself, and I'll be able to answer all of these questions, hopefully. I will be wiser and I will feel better about being me. That will be a great day.

I think way too much.

Dear God,
I miss you. I kno I did this, I kno I walked away hurt and angry. But I miss you.


Scooter came over yesterday...And I swear, she is my angel. She's only 4 years old, but she is my angel. Its so hard to believe she's 4 now...I remember seeing her in the delivery room and holding her and watching her grow up (as much as you can before you turn 4, that is Lol) and its amazing how time has just...left us. No matter how bad things have gotten, she has always been able to make me smile. I remember her coming over and staying at our house the night Grant died...she was the only one in my life who got me to smile that night... She's only a little kid and she's still so innocent... That makes me so happy, yet so sad at the same time. It makes me want to protect her from all the bad things in the world. But I kno that I cant do that. I love her so damn much, it doesnt even matter that she's not my sister by blood...she is my family. And I will do everything I can to always be a part of her life. And to set a good example for her. Because she deserves the best out there... <3<3<3

Feb. 9th, 2007

In short: I bought my first Jack Johnson Cd tonight.

I love.

Thoughts?

I was looking through some of my old writing and I came across this. It was written two years ago. I remember the day I wrote it, what I felt, how sad I felt... Because I took a hard look at the people around me, some of my closest friends, and this is what I saw. This is what they were going through, what they were up against. I just found it a shame. A silent tragedy that goes unnoticed in too many ways.

Well anyway, here it is. Once again, comment if you care to, question if you like. Oh, and uh, just about every line is a different person entirely... Its not just one "kid" going through shit... It's many.

Just a Kid

Scenes pull through my mind
Pushing up memories I never wanted to find...
Remembering all these lives...
And how she was beaten by her father,
How he hated life so badly that he wanted to die
And how she hates it when they yell
But they'll never know how often she cries
And how she thinks emotion is a weakness
How often she got high and never felt loved
And how she never had a childhood
All because, just because
People dont know how to love
And I'm remembering all these lives...
And how his dad was never there
How she never felt deserving of a good life
And she's learned the hard way that life isnt fair
How his smile was replaced with shame
And how she masks a tear with a smile
But inside she feels the same
How she has to be perfect for her parents
And how society will never let him be...
But "These are just kids..."
And "These are only kids..."
All of this will forever haunt my memory...
So please, dont call me just a kid...
There's so much more for you to see...
Because, dont you realize?
These arent just kids...